— Elisabeth Foley
Battling my flesh and feeling the void in my heart; have to keep reminding myself that Jesus has already covered me and is victorious, that He is worth it. Even with His abundant grace, mercy, and patience with me, I still don’t quite GET it. My heart longs for His presence, but I overlook His voice and go my own way a lot. But by the grace of God, even when I wander, I am comforted with His love and compassion towards me.
Awesome metaphor, crazy convicting. Funny how God ties in all the things in life to ultimately reflect His glory
Pieces
Having a rough day today. My thoughts may be a bit splotchy, but I felt a good amount of conviction today to put my thoughts down on this blog.
- Wanting the Redeemer vs. Wanting to be redeemed
God has been gently humbling me and showing me what this actually means. A lot of times I want to be healed from my brokenness so much that I overlook the presence of God that brings redemption. I ultimately make redemption my idol, my end all be all that I try to bring upon myself because I become impatient with God’s timing. - True love
My small group has been going through 1 John this semester, and even though this book is extremely, ridiculously repetitive, it is kicking my butt each week. I thought I knew what real love looked like, but I have realized that I had absolutely no clue. But I’ve seen God’s love manifested in my life, just seeing Him be so faithful and persistent even when I want to hide away because of the sins and struggles I can’t seem to make go away, even when He exposes them and calls me to turn away from those things. Sometimes I feel like He gets sick of me falling away from Him in the same ways He warns me of, but yet He is gentle and loving and accepting and forgiving and brings me back into His arms time and time again. - Battle
There is ridiculous battle inside my heart that I can honestly hear and see. I know when God is commanding me to love here, forgive there, be patient here, show grace there, but my flesh literally is pounding from my chest, persisting to fight against God’s perfect and true words. Sometimes I find myself so torn that I literally want to flail and shout and punch something in order to release some of the tension. This semester, I have seen (more than ever) how sinful and messed up my heart is. But the best part about being so broken is that I’ve seen God continue to minister to me in my brokenness, constantly speaking to me and calling me to things even when I feel like I’m not worthy enough to. Although I have seen my flesh deceitfully do things I regret, I have also seen God overcome those things in my heart in unbelievable ways. Times when I felt I could not love or be still or show grace, God would come in completely, take over my words, and force my heart into obedience. There is such peace and joy in that that I can’t even put to words; it is just unbelievable. I am a very irritable person on a bad day like today, so when I get on a roll for arguing, I literally can’t control myself—-But God took me, right in the middle of yelling and arguing, and just completely brought me to my knees in submission. Sometimes I just think about it afterwards and I literally can’t fathom how God could use /want to use, an irrational, stubborn, emotional, bitter wreck like me. - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ii2THk_yR3Q
^My best friend sent me a link to this today, and when I listened to it, I was just in awe at how great God’s timing was in placing this little blessing into my day at this moment. Little joys like this are always nice; God knows just how to encourage me, even when I try to repel all encouragement when I feel guilty and shameful.
- Heart Change vs. Behavior Modification
Ouch. God hit me hard with this one. He gives me a semi-gentle kick in the butt when I would hear myself yelling to people about “having” to do these things in order to bring about change in their lives. It was like I was a walking 7-step wellness plan. I thought that I was being “encouraging”, but really, I was doing religion. I was trying to change my heart and others’ hearts by simply fitting my life into a formula for what a Christian should be, and that is messed up. Again, I say ouch. When God doesn’t move or change things when I want, my first instinct is to try to bring about that life change on my own, which is ridiculous once I really thought about the weight of that statement. God keeps reminding me that it is about my HEART changing to be more in sync with God’s heart, not me trying to “do better” and be better so that my circumstances will magically get better.
Whew, I am exhausted after pouring all of that out, but in a good way. My burden wasn’t meant to be carried alone, ,right?
Peace
Psalm 32, beautiful way to start my morning, calm my heart, and quiet my soul. Note to self: i serve a faithful God
Words
I’m not good with words. At all. Whenever I have something in my head that I’m trying to explain, my mouth and the words that come out do not seem to reflect or articulate what I am trying to say. It is quite frustrating actually, especially when it is something important. Which is probably why I write on Tumblr—so I can write it out and check if I am writing what I’m trying to communicate. But God knows my heart, uses my imperfection, and has perfect timing. All of my mishaps and such that I regret, don’t understand, get anxious about, and am straight up frustrated at myself for are all in His hands, being used for some greater plan that is above my head. I am a mess, but thanks to God’s grace and mercy am not hopeless.
Beauty
“Beauty of the Cross” by Johnny Diaz
At the cross I find the beauty of Your matchless grace
At the cross I see a King who died to take my place
It’s the moment that You made me clean and pardoned my soul
Amazing grace that I would be allowed unto Your throne
Not by my own will but solely by Your will alone
I’m unworthy of this love you have shown to me
I see my desperate need
The beauty of the cross is that there’s One who has redeemed my soul
Beauty of the cross is that I’m finally free and letting go
Beauty of the cross is that Your grace has found me just as I am
Not by my own works that I may boast or I may come
But simply through your Son the sinless and Exalted One
Only through the cross that I’m made clean to draw near to you
Saved so that you would receive all glory due Your name
Everlasting God from age to age you never change
A true love story remains for all eternity
That all the world would see
My sinful soul could only be
Redeemed by the blood of a sinless King
So you came to the world that You had made
Conquered sin on the cross and You rose from the grave
That’s the beauty of the cross
To my new Phi Lamb sisters:
Thank you for hearing my heart and for accepting me for the person I am, what I’ve done, and all the baggage I carry with me in my life. I know that I am not the best speaker, but I do know that God gave me the words tonight to share with y’all. You have no idea how excited, beyond blessed, and relieved I feel. I feel like a burden has been lifted, and I thank God alone that I now have new sisters to share my burdens and life with. God is so faithful! He has paved a way for such beautiful new friendships and I’m shaking with pure joy right now. Y’all have already been such a blessing in ways you don’t even know, and it is only our first month being pledges (not even!). Continue to fight the good fight, pursue God with all your hearts, and never forget that you are NEVER ever alone. I am literally overflowing with emotion right now! I feel like a wreck, but a beautiful, God driven one. Thank you Jesus for refining my heart day by day and showing me your mercies every morning!
A few verses for y’all that I didn’t get to share today that i thought might encourage y’all:
- “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8
- “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12
- “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 1 Peter 5:10
^Big punch in the face, in a good way of course. This is probably my life in a nutshell right now—God never ceases to amaze me in really drawing me in at unexpected times. I guess I should be learning to “expect” this now? Thank you God, for your surprises, rebukes, and unfailing love. I pray that I will never cease to be amazed at Your glorious and mysterious workings in my life.
Note to Self
Erica,
God IS faithful. Today, He showed up despite your darkness, doubt, shame, and fear. You didn’t expect it whatsoever, and you almost missed what He had in store. Today, He was so present that you could not ignore it. It has been a long time since you have felt an overwhelming sense of peace in God, but today was different. Amidst the many things pulling and tugging for your attention, today GOD focused your mind on Him. He showed you how much He loves you, how much He pursues you each day, even when you run from His sustaining love. He has been there all along; he has never left you on your own. Don’t forget days like these, when all seems lost and without hope. Find your hope in Him. He gladly took your sin upon Himself so that we would have hope and find complete joy and peace in fellowship with Him. Never be ashamed to make everything in your life about God, even when it is easier not to. Find your identity in Christ alone, and from there, let His mission and purpose for your life unfold. Wear forgiveness like a crown, because He is victorious over sin, death, shame, guilt. Never forget today. He has called you to something bigger than yourself today. You don’t know why, but you do know that He did.
Love,
Self
